Being Fat and hating it !

I have been fat forever. There was only once in my life that I have ever come close to being attractive. I am not ugly, my friends say. I just need to loose weight ! What's worse is that I did not care for what I eat after childbirth and there u go bam !! 10 more kilos with it ! I never really put much thought to what I eat. At the most difficult times of my times, I eat what is cheapest - which usually means fatty food. Who am I kidding !! Nasi lemak = only RM 1 and u get a stomach full. I never really spared a thougth to how I look. I wonder why myself. All the 10 years I have been putting on weight - my husband never once told me I was ugly. And I believe it - as sweet as it may sound - what a LIE !! Now that I am on my own, I have more time to myself - I am starting to look upon myself. What I do, who am I. What at 35 ??!! Is this mid life crisis ? I don't know. All I know is I hate the way I look everytime I look in the mirror. My clothes are not fitting me. Style ? Forget it ! Worst thing is, this weight issue is starting to cause me health hazards such as : 1) Knee Pain 2) Heel Pain 3) Lower Back Pain 4) Lethargy 5) Exhaustion 6) Skin Problems 7) Hair Problems 8) Menstrual Problems 9) Lack of Focus 10) Frequent Headaches 11) Need for Sleep all the time Wow ! This is the first time I actually list down all my pains and wow !! I am in so much pain. Anyway, the objective of this post is that I have a new goal. I want to start thinking thin. I have no time, exhausted and works all the time, but my brother once told me its a choice on what you put in your mouth. So I want to start compiling more thoughts I can put in my head to help me "Think Thin" so that I can change my lifestyle and take every daily opportunity to do things that will help me loose some weight and gain some strategies on eating more healthy and finding time to exercise. I need to do this for myself and for my kids. I need to stay healthy to take good care of them and the house and my job. I need to have more energy and eating will definitely not get me there. I also need to eliminate all my 'Phantom' problems. Everytime I go to the doc, they either tell me its stress or it the weight, and I pay them for telling me something I already know. DUH !! I've been surfing around reading other people's blog and seems that being fat is associated to lack of self-control and ugliness. Well you got that right alrite - my life was out of control and it was an ugly picture. But at least now I made a choice to eliminate that wild card factor and I made a choice to choose me. I have been giving myself more than I can afford all these years, I mean geez what was I thinking ! I am no saint !! Its not selfish to want to care for self, to want to have comfortable life !! What was I thinking !! And so yeah - it's all a choice, I need to clear all those rubbish philosophies and habits that kept me fat all these years. I will start another post to start thinking thin !