Looking at the great blue sky

When you spent a decade of your life fitting a cause with no end, it's not so easy to let go. And when you do, it feels like you are next leading a life with no aim. Even though your purpose of life is apparent and staring at you at your face, the dilemma of letting go leads you to instinctively take on another subject to obsess about. Even tough try as might we make some sense and logic into it, fact is, the emotional process needs to be let out on a more harmless object, with no consequences. We read in a thousand blogs and a thousand websites, watch a thousand movies, they all say the same. We need to live and feel life a little bit. No amount of revenge shopping nor eating, nor relationships will equate to giving you that sense of fulfilment that you have just lost. It has been 6 months since the process begun, grappling with facing the reality was the hardest thing I've ever done. It is even harder than learning how to trust someone who has betrayed you over and over again. We shouldn't deny ourselves the opportunity to live a better life, it shouldn't be traded with a sacrifice of self happiness for the love of your loved ones. In the end, self unhappiness just leads to become the source of unhappiness of your loved ones. We may not know or fear the unending fear of what becomes of the future,but living a life with a dark resentment is no better choice than the former. Thus to me, it is important to be able to be at peace with our own hearts, to have the faith in ourselves to continue this journey not in complete bleakness. Over and over again it plays in my head that I may not know what I want, but I do know what I do not want. I do not want to live a life of denials, a life which warps manipulation like a blanket of gloom sky and deep dark soils without even a ray of silver-lining. A wise friend once told me that our life problem seem so small under this great big sky of magnificence.

The world REALLY is a stage

I've always been a realist. I never wanted to play by the rule of pretend or anything fake. Fact is, the the world really is a stage. We need to be conscious and 'play' our roles at all times. Being a realist gives me the freedom to say and be anything I wanted or to my hearts content, sadly, many people feels sensitive or offended by the real me. They cannot accept the state of freedom and aloofness sometimes I have. People must be really tired to constantly think of the right thing to say and constantly need to be aware so they do not cross any sensitive issues. I find this really appalling. I mean. Come on, we are just humans, surely we always make mistakes, say wrong things, how can we expect ourselves to be right all the time? Or even expecting the self to be politically right all the time is really not realistic. Truth is the human is a selfish and forgetful creature.i know throu my Life 'philantrophy'. I do good because it is the right thing to do and religiously it is required of me and because I feel satisfaction for doing it. People who received your benefits most of the time takes it and forgets about you. They take benefits from others for selfish pursuit, forgets about it, went about reaping life rewards, one fine day comes back and brag to you about how high they have gone. It really is a doggone world. Where were they when you were down, have they not any conscious or shame to brag about their life highs when they have once received charity to you and not even an ounce of remembrance of your good deeds? Not that I am expecting a return nor a wish, but have they not the memory that brings an ounce if shame for bragging ? This things called consciousness really a powerful domain in the alpha male or in this case alpha male wannabe, lets call him Hercules, like the greek mythological half god, Hercules. Hercules thinks that he can act, pretend or drama to get something out of someone and not escape unhurt at the same time. Perhaps he think he can , it is only because my master allow it so. Still this thing conscious makes a person body language and facial expression give away himself. How can one be so self deceiving ? At least know this Hercules is a creature loved by my same master. And this Hercules, as I learned gets self deceived for taking 'charity' from me. So this is how the male play their game to exert control using charity.thank you my dear master for this precious lesson. Then there is other creature, let's call her black widow. She is often a creature of self profession, more often than not would like to believe that she is a creature of good but most times, is of self interest only. That is the true nature of a female human. She is weak and needs constant acts of reassurance from both her male, female and sometimes even childish members of her circle. She always put herself highly, even though has a history of selfish evil pursuits, she tries to console herself that she has a high good for doing so. Can evil acts of selfishness ever be offset by justifying with higher good? An act of evilness is by all definitions still an act of evilness. It is lowly in the eyes of my master. Not by me, why blame me for your own thought of my assumption ? Still this female creature is often mislead by simple acts of philantrophist drama. She has many interests and wants to have her hand dipped into everything. She is a creature of greed. Doesn't really matter wether you genuinely care, as long as you lead her by her emotions or live by her self professed rules, you already can lead her by her nose like ring on a buffalo. Make the black widow feel she is the most important person in the world and You hit jackpot. Question is, what is your interest or stake at doing so ? I'm sorry but that is just how life is. So my conclusion is, as much as I wanted to salvage that pound of innocence in me, I fear it is slowly evaporating with the years if cynicallity and irony I am witnessing. I will still try and keep my sanity with this innocence. But I guess it gives me that extra knowledge that I don't really have a choice but to play along with the stage of the world so that I don't hurt any more sensitive souls, so that I don't let any evil pricks take advantage, so that I keep all greedy pigs at bay so that I divert all who have malicious intent back to good. It is commanded of me. I am no angel, sfar from that I think I am one who makes so much mistakes in this world. Perhaps my mistakes are meant to be, I don't plan, I just believe very much in fate.

Have you no conscience?

Some people spent half their life doing indecent and wrong things to their offsprings and still get away with it posting to the world about how great they have done their job as a parent. Some people sinned towards their offspring while they were babies just because they were helpless and dependent on their parent, but later on forgot about it and wondered why their children behave the way they do.

Can we really go to a religious session, ask for salvation and just forget about it? Telling ourselves that we have been forgive whilst damage done continues to deteriorate?

What about the things we've done and said wrongly to other people?

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Courage to UnLearn

When we go through life's ups and downs, we tend to pick up and learn habits and fears that leaves an imprint in our memory. Yes, I was aware that I was afraid, but it was foolish to think that I can easily overcome the fear that was built upon years and years of failure to take control of life. It was easy for motivators to just say, take charge, or you can break your shell. One's mind needs to rationalise and come in terms with our actions in the past and match desired new knowledge to develop a better self. Today, my company sent me to a public speaking crash course. It was a 2 days workshop. It was a workshop filled with many tactics to conquer our own mind, emotions, tools that we use and the audience. Essentially, I learned that the workshop is about sending the message to people. That's where I realised I have so much of 'clutter' kept stored in my brains ! The trainer was introducing drama skills to be used in persuasive presentations. I love the lightheartedness of that trainer. I realised I carry a heavy negative perception to all things in life. I noticed some emotions more clearly than before. For example : Anxiety when I need to face up to something I have avoided for a long time, which is speaking in front of an audience. Increased breathing and immense shaking while speaking, panic and cold sweat. Suddenly I also realised that there is so much excitement, fun and happiiness in Speaking. I just don't know how to do it properly. And I also realised I have left out such amazing skills in life and chose to focus on a unending ball of problem. As I was searching through the internet on how to unlearn those clutter in my brain, I came across this website called essentiallifeskills.net and pasted be low what I find so moving to me. According to Dr. Robert Enright, a professor of educational psychology at the University of Wisconsin and a pioneer in the scientific study of forgiveness - forgiveness is a choice. It is the process of uncovering and letting go of anger, while restoring hope and moving on with life. He writes: "People, upon rationally determining that they have been unfairly treated, forgive when they willfully abandon resentment and related responses (to which they have a right) and endeavor to respond to the wrong doer based on the moral principle of beneficence, which may include compassion, unconditional worth, generosity and moral love (to which the wrong doer by nature of the hurtful act or acts, has no right.)" In other words, while there is no question that we have the right to feel resentment and the desire to respond accordingly, we have the ability to make the choice not to. When we do, we refuse to play the role of the victim and we let go of the control and power that the offending person, or situation, has over us. We choose to not allow grudges, hurt or wrongdoings to define our lives. I thank the teaching of the Quran , simple wisdom bestowed to us to be kind even to those who have wronged us has given me a headstart to not be unkind to the one who has wronged me. Because Allah does not allow it, and it was better for me. Now I am beginning to see why. It is late now, I didn't plan this blog article in any way to serve any message therefore it may sound a little confusing to those who are reading it. It has no start, no middle and no end. It is just an expression of my thoughts, what is happening to me. And if the Internet is still working when I die, perhaps my children will read this, and perhaps they will understand why I did the things I did. I started this blog aimlessly, just another place to write. Because I know I love to write. Now I know, I just want to rediscover myself. Unlearning the wrong and living life in peace.