Looking at the great blue sky

When you spent a decade of your life fitting a cause with no end, it's not so easy to let go. And when you do, it feels like you are next leading a life with no aim. Even though your purpose of life is apparent and staring at you at your face, the dilemma of letting go leads you to instinctively take on another subject to obsess about. Even tough try as might we make some sense and logic into it, fact is, the emotional process needs to be let out on a more harmless object, with no consequences. We read in a thousand blogs and a thousand websites, watch a thousand movies, they all say the same. We need to live and feel life a little bit. No amount of revenge shopping nor eating, nor relationships will equate to giving you that sense of fulfilment that you have just lost. It has been 6 months since the process begun, grappling with facing the reality was the hardest thing I've ever done. It is even harder than learning how to trust someone who has betrayed you over and over again. We shouldn't deny ourselves the opportunity to live a better life, it shouldn't be traded with a sacrifice of self happiness for the love of your loved ones. In the end, self unhappiness just leads to become the source of unhappiness of your loved ones. We may not know or fear the unending fear of what becomes of the future,but living a life with a dark resentment is no better choice than the former. Thus to me, it is important to be able to be at peace with our own hearts, to have the faith in ourselves to continue this journey not in complete bleakness. Over and over again it plays in my head that I may not know what I want, but I do know what I do not want. I do not want to live a life of denials, a life which warps manipulation like a blanket of gloom sky and deep dark soils without even a ray of silver-lining. A wise friend once told me that our life problem seem so small under this great big sky of magnificence.

The world REALLY is a stage

I've always been a realist. I never wanted to play by the rule of pretend or anything fake. Fact is, the the world really is a stage. We need to be conscious and 'play' our roles at all times. Being a realist gives me the freedom to say and be anything I wanted or to my hearts content, sadly, many people feels sensitive or offended by the real me. They cannot accept the state of freedom and aloofness sometimes I have. People must be really tired to constantly think of the right thing to say and constantly need to be aware so they do not cross any sensitive issues. I find this really appalling. I mean. Come on, we are just humans, surely we always make mistakes, say wrong things, how can we expect ourselves to be right all the time? Or even expecting the self to be politically right all the time is really not realistic. Truth is the human is a selfish and forgetful creature.i know throu my Life 'philantrophy'. I do good because it is the right thing to do and religiously it is required of me and because I feel satisfaction for doing it. People who received your benefits most of the time takes it and forgets about you. They take benefits from others for selfish pursuit, forgets about it, went about reaping life rewards, one fine day comes back and brag to you about how high they have gone. It really is a doggone world. Where were they when you were down, have they not any conscious or shame to brag about their life highs when they have once received charity to you and not even an ounce of remembrance of your good deeds? Not that I am expecting a return nor a wish, but have they not the memory that brings an ounce if shame for bragging ? This things called consciousness really a powerful domain in the alpha male or in this case alpha male wannabe, lets call him Hercules, like the greek mythological half god, Hercules. Hercules thinks that he can act, pretend or drama to get something out of someone and not escape unhurt at the same time. Perhaps he think he can , it is only because my master allow it so. Still this thing conscious makes a person body language and facial expression give away himself. How can one be so self deceiving ? At least know this Hercules is a creature loved by my same master. And this Hercules, as I learned gets self deceived for taking 'charity' from me. So this is how the male play their game to exert control using charity.thank you my dear master for this precious lesson. Then there is other creature, let's call her black widow. She is often a creature of self profession, more often than not would like to believe that she is a creature of good but most times, is of self interest only. That is the true nature of a female human. She is weak and needs constant acts of reassurance from both her male, female and sometimes even childish members of her circle. She always put herself highly, even though has a history of selfish evil pursuits, she tries to console herself that she has a high good for doing so. Can evil acts of selfishness ever be offset by justifying with higher good? An act of evilness is by all definitions still an act of evilness. It is lowly in the eyes of my master. Not by me, why blame me for your own thought of my assumption ? Still this female creature is often mislead by simple acts of philantrophist drama. She has many interests and wants to have her hand dipped into everything. She is a creature of greed. Doesn't really matter wether you genuinely care, as long as you lead her by her emotions or live by her self professed rules, you already can lead her by her nose like ring on a buffalo. Make the black widow feel she is the most important person in the world and You hit jackpot. Question is, what is your interest or stake at doing so ? I'm sorry but that is just how life is. So my conclusion is, as much as I wanted to salvage that pound of innocence in me, I fear it is slowly evaporating with the years if cynicallity and irony I am witnessing. I will still try and keep my sanity with this innocence. But I guess it gives me that extra knowledge that I don't really have a choice but to play along with the stage of the world so that I don't hurt any more sensitive souls, so that I don't let any evil pricks take advantage, so that I keep all greedy pigs at bay so that I divert all who have malicious intent back to good. It is commanded of me. I am no angel, sfar from that I think I am one who makes so much mistakes in this world. Perhaps my mistakes are meant to be, I don't plan, I just believe very much in fate.

Have you no conscience?

Some people spent half their life doing indecent and wrong things to their offsprings and still get away with it posting to the world about how great they have done their job as a parent. Some people sinned towards their offspring while they were babies just because they were helpless and dependent on their parent, but later on forgot about it and wondered why their children behave the way they do.

Can we really go to a religious session, ask for salvation and just forget about it? Telling ourselves that we have been forgive whilst damage done continues to deteriorate?

What about the things we've done and said wrongly to other people?

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