Looking at the great blue sky

When you spent a decade of your life fitting a cause with no end, it's not so easy to let go. And when you do, it feels like you are next leading a life with no aim. Even though your purpose of life is apparent and staring at you at your face, the dilemma of letting go leads you to instinctively take on another subject to obsess about. Even tough try as might we make some sense and logic into it, fact is, the emotional process needs to be let out on a more harmless object, with no consequences. We read in a thousand blogs and a thousand websites, watch a thousand movies, they all say the same. We need to live and feel life a little bit. No amount of revenge shopping nor eating, nor relationships will equate to giving you that sense of fulfilment that you have just lost. It has been 6 months since the process begun, grappling with facing the reality was the hardest thing I've ever done. It is even harder than learning how to trust someone who has betrayed you over and over again. We shouldn't deny ourselves the opportunity to live a better life, it shouldn't be traded with a sacrifice of self happiness for the love of your loved ones. In the end, self unhappiness just leads to become the source of unhappiness of your loved ones. We may not know or fear the unending fear of what becomes of the future,but living a life with a dark resentment is no better choice than the former. Thus to me, it is important to be able to be at peace with our own hearts, to have the faith in ourselves to continue this journey not in complete bleakness. Over and over again it plays in my head that I may not know what I want, but I do know what I do not want. I do not want to live a life of denials, a life which warps manipulation like a blanket of gloom sky and deep dark soils without even a ray of silver-lining. A wise friend once told me that our life problem seem so small under this great big sky of magnificence.

The world REALLY is a stage

I've always been a realist. I never wanted to play by the rule of pretend or anything fake. Fact is, the the world really is a stage. We need to be conscious and 'play' our roles at all times. Being a realist gives me the freedom to say and be anything I wanted or to my hearts content, sadly, many people feels sensitive or offended by the real me. They cannot accept the state of freedom and aloofness sometimes I have. People must be really tired to constantly think of the right thing to say and constantly need to be aware so they do not cross any sensitive issues. I find this really appalling. I mean. Come on, we are just humans, surely we always make mistakes, say wrong things, how can we expect ourselves to be right all the time? Or even expecting the self to be politically right all the time is really not realistic. Truth is the human is a selfish and forgetful creature.i know throu my Life 'philantrophy'. I do good because it is the right thing to do and religiously it is required of me and because I feel satisfaction for doing it. People who received your benefits most of the time takes it and forgets about you. They take benefits from others for selfish pursuit, forgets about it, went about reaping life rewards, one fine day comes back and brag to you about how high they have gone. It really is a doggone world. Where were they when you were down, have they not any conscious or shame to brag about their life highs when they have once received charity to you and not even an ounce of remembrance of your good deeds? Not that I am expecting a return nor a wish, but have they not the memory that brings an ounce if shame for bragging ? This things called consciousness really a powerful domain in the alpha male or in this case alpha male wannabe, lets call him Hercules, like the greek mythological half god, Hercules. Hercules thinks that he can act, pretend or drama to get something out of someone and not escape unhurt at the same time. Perhaps he think he can , it is only because my master allow it so. Still this thing conscious makes a person body language and facial expression give away himself. How can one be so self deceiving ? At least know this Hercules is a creature loved by my same master. And this Hercules, as I learned gets self deceived for taking 'charity' from me. So this is how the male play their game to exert control using charity.thank you my dear master for this precious lesson. Then there is other creature, let's call her black widow. She is often a creature of self profession, more often than not would like to believe that she is a creature of good but most times, is of self interest only. That is the true nature of a female human. She is weak and needs constant acts of reassurance from both her male, female and sometimes even childish members of her circle. She always put herself highly, even though has a history of selfish evil pursuits, she tries to console herself that she has a high good for doing so. Can evil acts of selfishness ever be offset by justifying with higher good? An act of evilness is by all definitions still an act of evilness. It is lowly in the eyes of my master. Not by me, why blame me for your own thought of my assumption ? Still this female creature is often mislead by simple acts of philantrophist drama. She has many interests and wants to have her hand dipped into everything. She is a creature of greed. Doesn't really matter wether you genuinely care, as long as you lead her by her emotions or live by her self professed rules, you already can lead her by her nose like ring on a buffalo. Make the black widow feel she is the most important person in the world and You hit jackpot. Question is, what is your interest or stake at doing so ? I'm sorry but that is just how life is. So my conclusion is, as much as I wanted to salvage that pound of innocence in me, I fear it is slowly evaporating with the years if cynicallity and irony I am witnessing. I will still try and keep my sanity with this innocence. But I guess it gives me that extra knowledge that I don't really have a choice but to play along with the stage of the world so that I don't hurt any more sensitive souls, so that I don't let any evil pricks take advantage, so that I keep all greedy pigs at bay so that I divert all who have malicious intent back to good. It is commanded of me. I am no angel, sfar from that I think I am one who makes so much mistakes in this world. Perhaps my mistakes are meant to be, I don't plan, I just believe very much in fate.

Have you no conscience?

Some people spent half their life doing indecent and wrong things to their offsprings and still get away with it posting to the world about how great they have done their job as a parent. Some people sinned towards their offspring while they were babies just because they were helpless and dependent on their parent, but later on forgot about it and wondered why their children behave the way they do.

Can we really go to a religious session, ask for salvation and just forget about it? Telling ourselves that we have been forgive whilst damage done continues to deteriorate?

What about the things we've done and said wrongly to other people?

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Courage to UnLearn

When we go through life's ups and downs, we tend to pick up and learn habits and fears that leaves an imprint in our memory. Yes, I was aware that I was afraid, but it was foolish to think that I can easily overcome the fear that was built upon years and years of failure to take control of life. It was easy for motivators to just say, take charge, or you can break your shell. One's mind needs to rationalise and come in terms with our actions in the past and match desired new knowledge to develop a better self. Today, my company sent me to a public speaking crash course. It was a 2 days workshop. It was a workshop filled with many tactics to conquer our own mind, emotions, tools that we use and the audience. Essentially, I learned that the workshop is about sending the message to people. That's where I realised I have so much of 'clutter' kept stored in my brains ! The trainer was introducing drama skills to be used in persuasive presentations. I love the lightheartedness of that trainer. I realised I carry a heavy negative perception to all things in life. I noticed some emotions more clearly than before. For example : Anxiety when I need to face up to something I have avoided for a long time, which is speaking in front of an audience. Increased breathing and immense shaking while speaking, panic and cold sweat. Suddenly I also realised that there is so much excitement, fun and happiiness in Speaking. I just don't know how to do it properly. And I also realised I have left out such amazing skills in life and chose to focus on a unending ball of problem. As I was searching through the internet on how to unlearn those clutter in my brain, I came across this website called essentiallifeskills.net and pasted be low what I find so moving to me. According to Dr. Robert Enright, a professor of educational psychology at the University of Wisconsin and a pioneer in the scientific study of forgiveness - forgiveness is a choice. It is the process of uncovering and letting go of anger, while restoring hope and moving on with life. He writes: "People, upon rationally determining that they have been unfairly treated, forgive when they willfully abandon resentment and related responses (to which they have a right) and endeavor to respond to the wrong doer based on the moral principle of beneficence, which may include compassion, unconditional worth, generosity and moral love (to which the wrong doer by nature of the hurtful act or acts, has no right.)" In other words, while there is no question that we have the right to feel resentment and the desire to respond accordingly, we have the ability to make the choice not to. When we do, we refuse to play the role of the victim and we let go of the control and power that the offending person, or situation, has over us. We choose to not allow grudges, hurt or wrongdoings to define our lives. I thank the teaching of the Quran , simple wisdom bestowed to us to be kind even to those who have wronged us has given me a headstart to not be unkind to the one who has wronged me. Because Allah does not allow it, and it was better for me. Now I am beginning to see why. It is late now, I didn't plan this blog article in any way to serve any message therefore it may sound a little confusing to those who are reading it. It has no start, no middle and no end. It is just an expression of my thoughts, what is happening to me. And if the Internet is still working when I die, perhaps my children will read this, and perhaps they will understand why I did the things I did. I started this blog aimlessly, just another place to write. Because I know I love to write. Now I know, I just want to rediscover myself. Unlearning the wrong and living life in peace.

Being Fat and hating it !

I have been fat forever. There was only once in my life that I have ever come close to being attractive. I am not ugly, my friends say. I just need to loose weight ! What's worse is that I did not care for what I eat after childbirth and there u go bam !! 10 more kilos with it ! I never really put much thought to what I eat. At the most difficult times of my times, I eat what is cheapest - which usually means fatty food. Who am I kidding !! Nasi lemak = only RM 1 and u get a stomach full. I never really spared a thougth to how I look. I wonder why myself. All the 10 years I have been putting on weight - my husband never once told me I was ugly. And I believe it - as sweet as it may sound - what a LIE !! Now that I am on my own, I have more time to myself - I am starting to look upon myself. What I do, who am I. What at 35 ??!! Is this mid life crisis ? I don't know. All I know is I hate the way I look everytime I look in the mirror. My clothes are not fitting me. Style ? Forget it ! Worst thing is, this weight issue is starting to cause me health hazards such as : 1) Knee Pain 2) Heel Pain 3) Lower Back Pain 4) Lethargy 5) Exhaustion 6) Skin Problems 7) Hair Problems 8) Menstrual Problems 9) Lack of Focus 10) Frequent Headaches 11) Need for Sleep all the time Wow ! This is the first time I actually list down all my pains and wow !! I am in so much pain. Anyway, the objective of this post is that I have a new goal. I want to start thinking thin. I have no time, exhausted and works all the time, but my brother once told me its a choice on what you put in your mouth. So I want to start compiling more thoughts I can put in my head to help me "Think Thin" so that I can change my lifestyle and take every daily opportunity to do things that will help me loose some weight and gain some strategies on eating more healthy and finding time to exercise. I need to do this for myself and for my kids. I need to stay healthy to take good care of them and the house and my job. I need to have more energy and eating will definitely not get me there. I also need to eliminate all my 'Phantom' problems. Everytime I go to the doc, they either tell me its stress or it the weight, and I pay them for telling me something I already know. DUH !! I've been surfing around reading other people's blog and seems that being fat is associated to lack of self-control and ugliness. Well you got that right alrite - my life was out of control and it was an ugly picture. But at least now I made a choice to eliminate that wild card factor and I made a choice to choose me. I have been giving myself more than I can afford all these years, I mean geez what was I thinking ! I am no saint !! Its not selfish to want to care for self, to want to have comfortable life !! What was I thinking !! And so yeah - it's all a choice, I need to clear all those rubbish philosophies and habits that kept me fat all these years. I will start another post to start thinking thin !

Sanctity of life

Islamic teachings on abortion


Islam rarely permits abortion after 120 days. This foetus is about 112 days old
Muslims regard abortion as wrong and haram (forbidden), but many accept that it may be permitted in certain cases.

All schools of Muslim law accept that abortion is permitted if continuing the pregnancy would put the mother's life in real danger. This is the only reason accepted for abortion after 120 days of the pregnancy.

Different schools of Muslim law hold different views on whether any other reasons for abortion are permitted, and at what stage of pregnancy if so.

Some schools of Muslim law permit abortion in the first 16 weeks of pregnancy, while others only permit it in the first 7 weeks.

However, even those scholars who would permit early abortion in certain cases still regard abortion as wrong, but do not regard it as a punishable wrong. The more advanced the pregnancy, the greater the wrong.

The Qur'an does not explicitly refer to abortion but offers guidance on related matters. Scholars accept that this guidance can properly be applied to abortion.

Sanctity of life


The Islamic view is based on the very high priority the faith gives to the sanctity of life. The Qur'an states:

Whosoever has spared the life of a soul, it is as though he has spared the life of all people. Whosoever has killed a soul, it is as though he has murdered all of mankind.

Qur'an 5:32
Most Muslim scholars would say that a foetus in the womb is recognised and protected by Islam as a human life.

Protection of the mother's life


Islam allows abortion to save the life of the mother because it sees this as the 'lesser of two evils' and there is a general principle in Sharia (Muslim law) of choosing the lesser of two evils.

Abortion is regarded as a lesser evil in this case because:

the mother is the 'originator' of the foetus
the mother's life is well-established
the mother has with duties and responsibilities
the mother is part of a family
allowing the mother to die would also kill the foetus in most cases

Providing for the child


The Qur'an makes it clear that a foetus must not be aborted because the family fear that they will not be able to provide for it - they should trust Allah to look after things:

Kill not your offspring for fear of poverty; it is We who provide for them and for you. Surely, killing them is a great sin.

Qur'an 17:32
The same (and similar) texts also ban abortion on social or financial grounds relating to the mother or the rest of the family - e.g. that the pregnancy wasn't planned and a baby will interfere with the mother's life, education or career.

For the baby's sake


Abortion for the sake of the baby

If it is confirmed in the early period of pregnancy that a foetus suffers from a defect that can't be treated and that will cause great suffering to the child, a number of scholars would say that it is permissible to abort, provided that the pregnancy is less than 120 days old.

Foetuses with a particular genetic blood disorder can be aborted

A slightly more liberal opinion is that abortion within the first 120 days would be permitted if a child would be born with such physical and mental deformity as would deprive the child of a normal life. The opinion of at least two competent medical specialists is required.

Other scholars disagree and hold that abortion is not permitted in such cases.

There is almost unanimous opinion that after 120 days an abortion is not permissible unless the defect in the embryo puts the mother's life in danger.

In recent times in Iran, Ayatollah Ali Khameni has issued a fatwa permitting abortion for foetuses under 10 weeks shown to have the genetic blood disorder thalassemia.

And also in Iran, Grand Ayatollah Yusuf Saanei issued a fatwa which permits abortion in the first three months for various reasons. Saanei accepted that abortion was generally forbidden in Islam, but went on to say:

But Islam is also a religion of compassion, and if there are serious problems, God sometimes doesn't require his creatures to practice his law. So under some conditions--such as parents' poverty or overpopulation--then abortion is allowed,
Grand Ayatollah Yusuf Saanei quoted in Los Angeles Times, December 29, 2000

Widely quoted is a resolution of the Islamic jurisprudence council of Mekkah Al Mukaramah (the Islamic World League) passing a Fatwa in its 12th session held in February 1990. This allowed abortion if the foetus was:

grossly malformed with untreatable severe condition proved by medical investigations and decided upon by a committee formed by competent trustworthy physicians, and provided that abortion is requested by the parents and the foetus is less than 120 days computed from moment of conception.

Attributed, Mekkah Al Mukaramah, February 1990

NB: We have not been able to obtain an English language copy of this fatwa to corroborate the quote.

Rape, incest and adultery


Some scholars state that abortion where the mother is the victim of a rape or of incest is permissible in the first 120 days of the pregnancy.

Others say abortion for such reasons is never permitted.

Explaining the difficulty of such a case, one scholar says:

I believe that the value of life is the same whether this embryo is the result of fornication with relatives or non-relatives or valid marriage. In Sharia life has the same value in all cases.

Sheikh M. A. Al-Salami, Third Symposium on Medical Jurisprudence

It is reported that Bosnian women raped by the Serbian army were issued a fatwa allowing them to abort, but were urged to complete the abortion before the 120 day mark. A similar fatwa was issued in Algeria.

This demonstrates that Islamic law has the flexibility to be compassionate in appropriate circumstances.

In Egypt (where abortion is illegal) in June 2004, Muhammad Sayed Tantawi, the Grand Sheikh of Al Azhar, approved a draft law allowing women to abort a pregnancy that is the result of rape. The law would also make it legal for women to undergo an abortion more than four months after conception.

His decision caused controversy among other Muslim scholars: The mufti of Egypt, Ali Gomaa, said Tantawi's decision was wrong and violated the Qur'an's injunction that "forbids killing innocent souls." He said, "It is haram [forbidden] to abort the fetus after life is breathed into it, in other words after 120 days." However, he added that a woman could terminate a pregnancy if she was in immediate danger.

Islam does not permit abortion where an unwanted pregnancy is the result of unforced adultery.

The soul


Abortion and the soul


Abortion is not permissible after the foetus has a soul
Islam forbids the termination of a pregnancy after soul or 'Ruh' is given to the foetus.

There's disagreement within Islam as to when this happens. The three main opinions are:

at 120 days
at 40 days
when there is voluntary movement of the foetus

This usually happens during the 12th week of gestation but many women don't notice the movement until much later - sometimes as late as 20 weeks.

A relevant hadith suggests that the moment of ensoulment is 120 days:

Narrated Abdullah: Allah's Apostle, the true and truly inspired said, "(as regards your creation), every one of you is collected in the womb of his mother for the first forty days, and then he becomes a clot for another forty days, and then a piece of flesh for another forty days. Then Allah sends an angel to write four words: He writes his deeds, time of his death, means of his livelihood, and whether he will be wretched or blessed (in religion). Then the soul is breathed into his body..."
Sahih Bukhari, Volume 4, Book 55, Number 549

However, it's important to note that many scholars believe that life begins at conception, and that all scholars believe that an embryo deserves respect and protection at all stages of the pregnancy.

Pretentious PR

I have always sworn by Honesty is the Best Policy. It's a value that I don't think I'd trade anything for. It's the same value that I teach my children. Some people thinks it is naive and rather lie to get their way through, some people thinks nothing of it and has no regards for it.

In my line of work, I have met many people in my field who thinks that you can intend one thing and PR for another. They seem to think that making an impression has nothing to do with what you really think of that person. Even my ex-Boss thinks so. I think it is really naive to think that one can PRETEND to be nice when she thinks or feels otherwise. The tell tale signs are often shown in your faces and your body language silly. How can you build a relationship when you are pretentious ?

I really do not understand how people really believe they can get away with it. The natural being of a human being is forgetfulness and carelessness. And the human is not always meticulous, always somehow leaving breadcrumbs behind about who they really are. If I can see through it, I am very sure, many other people can see through it too.

I think by living with a hypocrite, who thinks nothing of the value of honesty has really taught me alot about reading in between the lines. What is pretense and how to read the signs. If only I slowed down and read the signs - I really can see what morons these people are making of themselves.

Same thing with FB. When one asks you for your FB and you do not feel comfortable giving it to the person, you can always NOT give it. Or you can NOT use it, it is no wonder many people that I know does not use FB as a common platform for their friendship. So extra careful on what they say on FB, one subject may please some friends but might have opposing opinions from another.

Thanks to my dear deceiving partner, I am like Dr. Jekyl n Hyde. Ultimately, I still think it's still a matter of choice.